Along The Way
Today I want to share some of my creative writing with you. I wrote this piece recently while I was exploring the idea of how I feel most like “myself” a couple miles from the trailhead on any given hike. Before I share what I wrote (below), I want to share a little about how this particular exploration came about.
Like many women (and people in general these days), I know I have an overactive, often anxious brain that has trouble finding stillness in a world not designed to cultivate that kind of existence. Through practice, I’m finding my way into moments of slowness in the everyday, but I can’t always conjure that peace and presence when I simply sit down and will myself to experience it. My attention is divided among a thousand different things, and I find it hard to set all of that down for the sake of a single moment. Sometimes I lose sight of myself in this barrage of information.
What I’ve found over years of explorations is that my most poignant moments of reflection, brightest ideas, most creative ideations, and vibrant experiences of serene stillness of both mind and heart can only find me through a sort of movement meditation, preferably in nature. Through the rhythmic fall of my footsteps, I’m freed of certain limitations that keep my mind spiralling throughout the day. I am moving, yet I feel still. After a certain distance, I finally reach a point where I am simply observing and exploring both externally in the world and internally in my mind. In that moment, I feel most alive, and I am finally fully and fervently present.
The following piece of writing is my attempt to capture the feeling of that self-finding. Honestly, it feels a little uncomfortable to share this kind of writing with you….but I have decided to lean into that expansive discomfort. This piece wants to be free.
Let me know what you think!
“Along The Way”
I step out into a frozen walkway with a small, warm being at my side, pulling against the restraints of order and safety, longing to run, explore, and be free.
Some leashes are quick to release.
I am bound, internally.
Young women should not run, wild and carefree, arms flinging wide into earth’s open spaces.
Stand still. Keep calm. Seek control.
Mastery.
My vigilance enslaves me to a watchful wariness at all times.
I must be safe.
I am not safe.
Worries and defeats plague me as I step upon the land, haltingly.
He runs.
I follow.
I call, and he chooses not to come to me.
…Oh, to be free.
Honestly, I can barely blame him. Something out there is more interesting.
Pity.
Woe.
And Me.
My step quickens, and I start to make my way into the wild.
My thoughts scatter, birds flung from the brush by my careless stepping:
Work. Home. Me. To do. To change. Ideas. Inspiration. Gratitude. Smoldering. Frustration. Watchfulness. Observation. Willingness. Resistance. All come and go on the breeze. I try to breathe, but they follow me.
I turn and climb and, step by step, my body follows, rhythmically, releasing me through the pattern of its movement.
Forward progress, mind at ease, body breathing, heart releasing.
Miles away from the start, I arrive.
Hello Me.
I find her in the forest on long, languid walks through trees.
I follow through the grasslands, over hills, beneath the sky.
I find her near the water, just observing, patiently.
I have even found her in the fire, when I lose my thread and plunge myself into the deep, sad heart of me.
Yet, I lose her, once again, as I make that final turn.
Thoughts return to plague me, and I can see the road.
Sounds of other humans - loud and careless - everywhere. And….
I lose her in the crowd. All my pieces - in the air.
They fly from me to perch elsewhere.
So
I gather up my joy dog, shadow love, and open heart.
I put him squarely there beside me.
And we depart.
Then, I promise I’ll return, hoping to remember
The peace I feel at finding her,
Somewhere along the way.
If you’ve made it this far down the trail….
Thanks for Reading!
